While I was checking my messages I realized I acted a lot calmer and a lot more reasonable when I text to  a person who I don’t like that much instead of when we talk face to face. The emotions  I feel towards that person’s actions remain the same but the way I react completely changes. Why does that happen? This almost feels like one of those personas are fake and one of them is my  true self. Which one is real?

In this paper I want to explain why we act differently in digital and real environments,why either of them cannot be displayed as a fake or a real one and how we can close the gap between them if we wish to do it.

 What’s the difference: online or real life

Firstly, none of those reactions are “fake”. The emotions we feel remain the same, only the environment changes while our reactions shape. So this dilemma is mainly about how the change of environment affects us.

Now there are two concepts of spaces we are in: one of them being the online space and the other the real world. While we are online, we often completely focus on the digital world and disconnect from outer stimuli. When texting, we plan the sentence we are going to write out before actually sending it. We have enough time for our brains to realize what we are actually saying and how it sounds. So we can be like “Hold up, is this appropriate to text right now? Did I explain myself enough or too much?” leading us to be in more control of what we say. Also we don’t ask anything unreasonable impulsively  if it’s meant to be knowledgeable if we think just 10 seconds on it. Less misunderstandings, unreasonable or empty information; more thought and care put into a sentence. Makes everything better and calmer, giving us the space to think and function properly, acting more mature.

Secondly and just as importantly, online connection makes it easier to communicate while it takes away from the genuinity. Anything we do online is lower effort than in real life. You don’t schedule to meet up, actually take time to get ready, get to the spot on time, tell everything properly and on the spot while expressing yourself with body language… You just open up a device on your pocket, press a few buttons and the message gets to the other side immediately. This is convenient and fast but not as effective and full of emotion like real life. If you have bad intentions you can easily text things you don’t mean, act in a manner you don’t have enough courage to or fake a feeling. You can create an entire persona and act like a complete other imaginary person and people will never know that wasn’t your true self until you say so. If you have good intentions you will get to a point where you “act” as if you are the saint person you wish to be. Maybe more softspoken, more patient or more innocent. You give the other person in front of you a chance to see your dream self.

So shortly; with good or bad intentions, the online world gives us enough space and chance to act the way we wish to act. More convenient, more aware.

In the real world everything is quicker and harder. You have to show up, be active, show your feelings with your body language, express them with words proper enough to explain yourself fully, make yourself understandable to the other person audibly, understand their response and what they actually mean, decide on a way to respond back, put it into words while also handling how the response made you feel… The effort we put into the physical condition we are in is huge. Our minds are designed to consume every micro expression from the other person to understand their true intentions fully. We try to decide if its safe to actually communicate with them truthfully or will this information we give out get turned onto us. We look into their eyes, their smile, the way they stand, how their hands are resting, where they are focused on… We hear their laugh, try to get all the tones they use while speaking and so on. 

Additionally we also focus on the outer space around us uncontrollably. Where we are is important, can we hear them fully, can we see them fully, are we comfortable to speak, is it a proper space to express how we feel or is it too much for the place. These are important matters on how well we communicate. We can easily get distracted if the place we are in gives us chills, is too cramped and makes us feel claustrophobic , is making us remember another moment from the past and makes us sad… So what we feel about the topic being spoken also gets disrupted by what we feel about the space.

Another point is that speaking includes way faster thought processes on what we say. In real life, responses happen faster than reflection. We often begin speaking before fully processing what we feel. We have to decide what to say, how to say it, and when to say it almost instantly. That speed leaves little room for reflection. We sometimes just blurt out random thoughts from our heads without thinking it through. This can create a higher stress situation than online. 

So the real life version is basically what we achieve to act like. Affected by more factors.

Why this gap exists

While how we feel about communicating to that person remains the same, the realities we act in are very different from each other. We can plan out what we should say in what situation in our heads, but understanding a concept isn’t enough to make it happen. As humans we get affected by what we are surrounded with, how the other person is reacting and so many other factors. These all vanish when we are online; it gives us enough space to have a moment with our thoughts alone and decide on the way to express ourselves. In these lower stress situations our brains can reach empathy, reflection and self control easier. But when the scene and timing is emotionally loaded and we are face to face, our brain usually prioritises speed and gets a bit more  impulsive than we mean to be. 

The difference we feel and experience is normal now that we know the reasons to it. Thats why I told that there are no “fakeness” in it, its just a change of settings.

Although we now understand the reasons behind the gap, it might feel like a weakness to get distracted in real life and express ourselves better online. But we can fix that.

How can we close the gap, step by step

Like most of the situations we face, its always easier to say something than to apply them ourselves. So the things I mention in this section cannot happen at once and perfectly, we should look into learning what works best for us.

So we decided that the main difference between online and real communication is firstly how we get affected by the space around us and secondly how we plan out our response. To close the gap we can look into not getting bothered by outer space when we are in a conversation first. If we’re being honest, this is a hard goal to achieve. Because we should be able to acknowledge what causes us to feel a certain way when feeling it, see if we can get rid of the disturbance or hang tight and endure patiently. Understanding your feelings cause while still feeling it takes the talent of taking a look at yourself as a third person. For example lets say you’re in a cafe that has very slow waitresses and you are very hungry. After you order and 15 minutes pass by, you start to get tired of waiting and hangry. Whatever the person with you might say to you has a chance to feel more annoying or disturbing, not because they said something that might have offended you, but because your mind is wandering around the food order still pending. In that exact moment, being able to understand that you aren’t angry at the person in front of you and you are simply hungry takes talent. This is the first step to better control our actions.

The second step after that realization is giving yourself enough time to just take a breath, calm your nervous system, purify from the negative feelings on top of you. Notice where you are mentally, who is the person in front of you, how much do you value them, what good things are happening around you, what might help you calm down your mind… Maybe thinking of a happy place, a person we love, the motivation we have to be in the situation we are in… These are all good habits to take our mind into the moment, not letting it wander off to somewhere else; leading us to consider our next step better.

The third step is considering if we are communicating fully. What will we say,  what kind of a tone we should use, is the sentence expressing our feelings and thoughts together or is it incomplete? When we ask ourselves these questions about what we plan to say, before saying it; it allows us to speak more mindfully.

Also I have mentioned that the online reality takes away from the genuinity while it makes everything easier, this situation can be avoided by putting extra effort like good emojis or gifs to go with the message, or a sweet voice note telling how much we have missed their voice and want to hear it at least this way, or maybe a photo sent in a vulnerable moment showing our emotions with facial expressions. 

In conclusion 

Neither version of us is fake. They are both responses to different environments. The goal is not choosing one over the other, but learning how to stay conscious enough to carry the best parts of ourselves into both.