Introduction and thesis

Is there such a thing as an authentic self — or are we all just patchworks of our experiences, projections, and expectations?

“Who am I and how did I become this?” Is a question I think everyone should ask themselves at some point in their lives. When we think about ourselves we usually have answers on what to do in theoretical situations or  possible problems that may occur but is that enough to identify self? What is self and how is it constructed is what I’m going to be talking about among other things in this paper. Mainly I support the idea that we build our own authentic self as we grow and learn.

Formation of Values and Identity

Self ,in my opinion is mostly based on our values because they are the only thing that’s truly ours; anything other than our values can change according to the situation we are in. And that’s completely normal, because us humans are designed to adapt and survive in variations of situations, how else could it be? It really is hard to keep up with other people from our species as we are all intelligent and competitive. And with values I meant things like honesty, justice ,acceptance and so on.

Well how are they formed then? This is a bit of family and a bit of people around you. When you are born into a family, you’re also born into a set of expectations and a set of certain lifestyle; the things you will learn from the people around you will have a place in your subconscious. Growing up we behave and talk in many different ways because we want to test out how people react to them. While testing these out we also collect main values from each decision and see which ones of them make people like us more. Let’s say I was born into a very strict family about truthfulness , as a kid I usually test out to see what happens when I lie and get caught. If the reaction I got when I lied about a situation is worse than when I didn’t -although the situation might be bad on it’s own- I usually choose not to lie and learn that honesty is a value I should protect. I gave out a positive example but the same goes on in negative ones. 

Let’s say I was born in a very poor family and I have 4 sisters, let’s also assume we can just afford basic needs such as food, drink and shelter. As a child when I don’t have the access to a job I will usually beg for money outside or steal. If I can’t access money or anything for myself by begging I don’t have an option other than stealing. When I choose to steal and I bring home some toys and my sisters and family appreciate the toys although it was stolen that teaches me stealing is an okay option when I don’t have money. Why am I always talking about the families reaction and nobody else’s? Because our parents are the only ones that can properly punish and reward us for our decisions. When we grow enough to question our own thoughts and decisions, then comes the other people. We get to know many more people than our family and we start liking them enough to care about their perspectives. While learning about other perspectives sometimes we also get questioned and asked why did you choose to this ,not that? When that happens we also get to know ourselves better and take in others reactions on our decisions. After explaining ourselves the positive and negative reactions we get from different people will vary and then we will choose who to hang out with. People usually choose who feels the closest to your thoughts, to your values but knowing many people and acknowledging other perspectives are also important for growth. Also I should mention that some values evolve as we continue our life, see different perspectives and experience different situations; and that is okay. Like I said in the introduction we build these steps and go forward to an authentic self slowly as we grow, opinions can and will change over time.

The Role of Self-Confrontation in Growth

After all of that we have two options: one, realize you do not like how you act or get negative reactions from people about yourself and change it; two, continue your life as it is. If we choose to change something in our life that’s when the confrontation with ourselves come in. Understanding what you did and why you did it is a big step to take because most of us don’t really question ourselves when it isn’t needed and that leads us to non-discovery. I think it really is sad not being able to open ourselves up fully to understand, authenticity demands friction.And sometimes we forget to take risks and consider emotionally difficult things so that leads us to too much comfort which might be due to social stagnancy or lack of exposure; these things do harm us as we don’t challenge ourselves to even see our full potential. So I think some pain is compulsory for growth. Our brains love routines and not having to handle change and risks but pain leads us to change things better than anything else because if there isn’t a risk of worse things than change then we don’t really see it as a threat.But I have to say that not all experiences are the same, I’m speaking of the general things in here. So I’m not saying if you didn’t somewhat suffer while you understood yourself it’s not real, I’m saying its valid but not really seen much.  Our brains also love to adapt and act as the people around us.  Authenticity isn’t about consistency , it’s about consciousness.If you’re just reflecting the environment, that’s not you it’s the people around you ,through you. When we learn how people around us act we usually attach roles into each kind of behavior. For example lets say if I grew up in a family where the father is angry and stressed , the mother is the tranquilizer and the children are the silent ones to not disturb the balance in the home; when I grow up if I marry and angry person I take the role of a tranquilizer and if I marry a relaxed person I take the role as a stressed person. I oversimplified it a bit but you get the idea; we take roles as if we are replacing the missing piece. But about this Sociologist Erving Goffman described everyday life as a stage, where we all perform roles depending on our environment and stabilization. I don’t think that makes us fake ,it makes us adaptable. Goffman thought we manage impressions to fit in, but I’d argue that if we do it consciously, it can still be authentic. Because being aware of your masks means you’re the one choosing to wear them not becoming them. So when we act a certain way around the same people even if we don’t know why its different than other times, we should probably stop to take a breath and think about if actually what we are doing is making the situation better.

Also some people can fake their values to make you think they align with you or to get somewhere they don’t belong, but integrity breaks under pressure. Like Mark Twain said, “Actions speak louder than words.” You can’t really hide who you are in the long run something someday will contradict. So understanding peoples intentions near you is also as important.Because the people around you shape the world you’re building together.

I’m not saying everyone has to understand everything about themselves fully, anyone can do anything they want but personally I’d rather do something else. What I’m saying aligns with Erikson’s theory of identity vs. role confusion (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556096/ ) where Erik Erikson proposed a lifespan model of development, emphasizing how social relationships shape our sense of self. He suggested we pass through eight stages, each marked by a central conflict, or psychosocial crisis, that must be resolved for healthy personality growth. Although I don’t quite put the virtue of competence on the “School age” (7-11 years) but rather all throughout life, because I believe we need self assuring in every stage of life. When we think we are making a change for the better in ourselves we also want to take others opinions on it to make them feel proud or be proud about ourselves. I think what has been stated is important and mainly true. The main ideas served in his theory shortened comes to a table like this:

While Erikson talks about distinct stages, I think identity isn’t always that clean. We don’t outgrow our confusion we just get better at living with questions. Identity doesn’t arrive with age, it evolves through confrontation in every time we are challenged with it.The basic conflicts we see as we grow up and what do we decide to do with them shapes our self as a person. If the person successfully develops the positive outcome (called a virtue or strength by him and a value by me), it helps them make better choices now and in the future. It also builds a strong foundation for how they see themselves and connect with the world around them. For example: Stage of Adolescence and adulthood

Stage 5 – Adolescence period: Identity vs. confusion

• Virtue: Fidelity, Maldevelopment: Repudiation
• Example: Individual weighs out their previous experiences, societal expectations, and their aspirations in establishing values and finding themselves.

Stage 7 – Adulthood period: Generativity vs. Stagnation/Self-absorption

• Virtue: Care, Maldevelopment: Rejectivity
• Example: Engagement with the next generation through parenting, coaching, or teaching.

As life goes on we always engage in situations where we have to choose a value to protect and that means growth is always available and lifelong changing. If we do decide to confront with ourself we should know that it is a never ending journey and the main reason to do it is to cause some change not to chase perfection. No one is perfect and no one will be, that’s the fun part you always have something to learn and you can always stay curious. (Yeah that’s what adults mean when they say  “We should never loose the curious child inside us, I’m always open for new ideas” but sometimes these words are never put into action even though they understand and acknowledge).

Self-Actualization and Authenticity

Also what I’m saying blends with the understanding of existential authenticity and Abraham Maslow’s self-actualization. Existential authenticity is a concept of personality ,in existentialism authenticity is the degree to which a person’s actions are congruent with their values and desires, despite external pressures to social conformity: Just like what I said! Authenticity means being true to yourself and acting in a way that matches your values and what you really want, even when others expect you to fit in. Now let me explain Maslow’s self-actualization. (https://positivepsychology.com/self-actualization/ )

It’s usually mixed up with self realization but it isn’t the same. Maslow said that self-actualization means fulfilling your true potential and becoming the best version of yourself , everything you’re capable of being. Self realization is needed to understand our full potential but the actual step we take is to work and fulfill that potentials full usage. And Maslow’s work is considered to be part of humanistic psychology , which is one of the perspectives used to explaining , understanding, and evaluating personality. Maslow focused on the positive side of human potential, and how we fulfill that potential. He stated that human motivation is based on seeking fulfillment in different stages and self actualization is the highest one so before reaching that stage people have lower order needs that must be fulfilled before high order needs can be satisfied. 

Basically this is the order of our needs according to him. And I think self actualization’s process generally works upon the need of competence. As we start to know ourself we also learn about our boundaries ,our red lines that we can’t cross or our potential. When we see how much we can achieve we want to work for it we want to give everything we have to achieve a sense of full competence and fulfillment. That’s the thing I told you about, it’s about making some change not to chase perfection. There is  a potential for everyone of us that we can work to reach but after that, we can’t work for perfection that’s all we can achieve. But I do also believe that potential can change as we grow and make progress. Sometimes a thing we learn and make a lesson to ourselves about open up many different doors for us to go forward. So we should give ourselves time and patience for growth appreciating every step we take forward. And in this hierarchy the climbing is like a ladder to self actualization, but I think even if we have climbed the ladder all the way to the top we come back to the old steps. Like a revisit we need every single one of these steps in our life,anytime. We don’t just give up on our basic needs when we reach the esteem needs do we? So its the same with self actualization even if we do work to reach our full potential we need mental support from our close partners and we need the feeling of accomplishment in each move forwards.

Identity in Relationships

 Also while understanding ourselves we might occur with another important question:“Am I performing a version of myself depending on who I’m around?” And this is also something I want to talk about.

Well, yes I act differently around  different people but that’s not because I’m fake that’s because every relationship is a co-creation. This is mostly not about self, but relationships. My thought on this one is, basically, a relationship is built on two people giving some stuff up for each other to act  as comfortable as they can be around each other.I have some values and I have some decisions that I am making that I will continue to make, and the person in front of me also does that. When we go out together and we have to make decisions dually, sometimes we give up some comfort. It can be giving up something we like, something we want in that situation for them or stepping out of our bubble to test our intimacy.When we have to make decisions together, we adapt them to each other’s values if we care enough for them. And when we’re talking with each other ,learning about each other, giving advice to each other, we usually consider that person’s values and intentions too and speak accordingly to understand or interact with them better. We usually change the things we say for different people, but that’s how a normal relationship works. If we don’t adapt our thoughts for people around us we won’t ever achieve good and stable intimacy because there is no one else who has the same values and intentions as us ,like a copy. So identity is stable internally (your values + choices),but relationships are dynamic ,they require flexibility, compassion, and mutual adaptation.We perform versions of ourselves not to deceive, but to align with someone else’s world, just enough to create shared space.If we never shift how we talk, behave, or empathize, we’re not being “real” ,we’re just being unreachable. We should consider how far we will adapt into each others lives too, if we adapt too much it will probably turn into a toxic relationship with an identity loss on one side. So we should keep the balance on it.

As I was talking about inheriting and shaping our values I said we learn to react a certain way to difficulties we want to get ahead of; over time the reactions we make also depend on our emotions. So some parts of our personality become reactions to some of our emotions. For example let’s continue with the honesty value example I gave: as life goes on lying will give me suffering as well. It’ll make me feel sad, uneven and frightened to get caught and that will be the motivation not to lie on the physiologic level. So then let’s work our way through emotions, what parts of my personality are reactions to past sadness or pain?

Well, the parts in our personality that are reactions to pain is about what we protect I think. It’s a hard question, but I think this is about the pain you suffer from and how you chose to protect yourself from it. Let’s say I had a rough childhood with bad family relations; when I grow up, dealt with that trauma and put it up a shelf I usually tend to protect children who have family issues. Inside, a voice says, “Oh, you understand how much they’re in pain, why don’t you help them? Why don’t you let them know that you understand them?” Because the thing is, when you suffer, you usually do it silently, and at the moment, you might use some understanding, but you might not be able to say it out loud. But if you’ve never suffered from something ever, I don’t think you can guard something that dearly. And when I say suffering I don’t mean something you’ve lived I mean something that angered or saddened you, it can be an outside event but you can emphasize, it can be something a close relative has lived and you were there for them the whole situation, all these are counted in because it had affected you also. For me I guess I protect justice. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced something that was uneven for me so it didn’t begin with a childhood trauma. But it could be because of the situation Turkiye is in right now, people are not getting their works worth and it makes me so angry I can’t even explain it in words. It woke something in me with a sense of who deserves what and why, refusing to go numb on this. I have to feel these emotions, I have to have this rage, thats what makes me human that’s what makes me available to do something about it not letting apathy win, right? I also usually protect minorities or those in distress mentally because I believe as humans we have to improvise our acceptance for other people and help we give out mentally. 

Another emotion we can work on is happiness. Jung believed we all have a ‘shadow self’ this is the part of our unconscious mind that Jung believed to hold all the things about ourselves that we repress, whether because they are evil, socially unacceptable, harmful to others, or detrimental to our own health like we’ve seen in pain. But what if joy also has a shadow? Sometimes we feel guilty for being happy, or terrified it will leave. Our emotions aren’t clean. They weave together, and that tangled thread becomes personality. What parts of our personality are pure joy?

Pain is understandable, it comes from needing something. But happiness? That’s harder.Because while pain is usually reactional, joy is often existential. It doesn’t just signal “something is wrong.” It signals:“Something is right enough that I can exist freely”. I think joy forms where we feel safe, it depends on the persons character whether we feel safe in a situation or not. For example I’m an introvert, and I usually get joy from just recharging myself when I’m alone. I sometimes just stay at home alone, in my room, eat whatever I want, watch whatever I want, do whatever I want, and that recharges me. That gives me pure joy. The freedom of doing anything that I want without considering any other aspect gives me joy. But if I take my friend Idil for example, she’s an extrovert and she has fun around people. She has fun knowing there are people that will support her no matter what, that someone has got her back. That gives her joy, other than, you know, recharging herself. She charges around people she goes around, she talks, she laughs ,sometimes she just cries, she just gets angry;and when there’s people around that will listen to her, that makes her happy.Of course I’d love someone who has my back; but I usually look at the results I get in life a bit more, like how I’ve changed myself, or how my grades are coming in, how my teachers are looking at me, how outsider people look at me, and what do they think about me etc. So we all seek joy in safety , we just define safety differently is my current thought.

Doğa’s Utopia (Vision for Society)

I believe there are many more things we have to work on as humans for the good of all, but my thought are like %97 unrealistic so if I want to talk about it I have to address it as a utopia. So let’s see Doğa’s utopia shall we? If I had all the power to build a perfect world I would protect 3 things in general: justice, understanding and acceptance.Justice ensures balance and truth ,understanding creates empathy before judgment, acceptance allows people to exist, even if they’re messy, different, or unstable. Also I would really like it if good critique wasn’t misunderstood as attacks. To judge ourselves, give out constructive comments or clear our mind in an opinion criticizing is needed. My world wouldn’t be harsh it would be sharp with clarity, it would force us to evolve without shame. The acceptance part is critical because it should work together with understanding. As we understand others perspectives in life we should accept that they exist, they are among us and there is nothing we can do about that. Other people will have other opinions ,our duty is to respect their ability to have them. We shouldn’t indulge in anyone else’s life it isn’t wanted or needed for their own good. 

And when I think of a utopia like this I have several problems we see in our daily life: for example some say “Justice is subjective when power is involved” like whoever has the most money, status, or influence gets to define what’s “fair.” But I don’t agree with this statement because power doesn’t get to define what’s fair, it defines what is going to happen anyways. The things I find fair myself are usually objective for everyone in the situation. Because for me an actions criterion of goodness is based on total contribution to the  whole situation, including both material and spiritual benefit. So the measurement gets easier with more people because more people mean more perspectives, and that leads to undeniable truth. Not because it’s voted in, but because it survives scrutiny from all sides. Thats why I love a SWOT style thinking and measurement in social situations. (Not including collective mental challenges, then the peoples reactions and current stability should be measured also, changing the next step that will be taken according to their mental state.)  Of course this changes in fewer peoples problems like lets say two of my friends are having an argument you have to know them,understand them both and detect what they are protecting themselves from.

Another problem that can be faced is “How do you handle people who refuse self-awareness? Who mock critique? Who use your kindness to manipulate?” And I think the answer to this one is easy. If they don’t want awareness, let them be. No one can force change of behavior in a person unless the person who will change also accepts the process. So its just a waste of time trying to make them want that. If the right values are protected in the people around them its no problem for them to mock anything, they will continue to serve the public anyways. But of course if their ignorance affects others, ignoring it is no longer neutral ;it’s complicity.

But when I think about all these I can’t help but think can we actually create systems where one person  doesn’t have all the say  and truth has to earn its place. Like a system that checks itself ?

It would probably be the best thing humans could ever achieve. Well it would be hard because: people have biases, people flip when they’re threatened or emotional, and sometimes even truth becomes politicized. So the things I’m talking about here really IS utopian, systems are flawed and people are subjective, thats why clarity and compassion matter so much. Maybe the all objective and all even mythical character I’m dreaming of is a god for me, how I wish I could see that all mighty’s traces in the world…

Doğa İkiz